Thursday, 2 December 2010

Finding Neverland

It wasn’t all tulips and cheeses. There are moments when I feel so hopeless of this life. Moments when I feel so useless that I can’t do anything with my own life. Sometimes, however hard I try to stay optimist, there’s hope dying inside me. I tried applying for jobs but it was to no avail. Some say, you need to be fluent in Dutch to secure a job here. So, I’ve been taking Dutch lessons ever since with hopes that one day I can use it for my own advantage. I tried looking for a place to study but it’s hard to find local scholarships that cater to Malaysian. I’m applying for European Scholarships for next year’s admission and it’s such a long wait and I don’t know if I’ll get it. This feeling of uncertainty wrecks my nerves.

Everyday, I wake up in the morning I’d check my inbox if there’s any good news that can cheer me up. Even if the good news means as little as my article gets to be published in a local magazine. So far there’s nothing and I’m tired of waiting. I’ve been dying for something to happen, something wonderful that I accomplish all by myself. I know that I’m capable to do more with my life; I know it’s there but what and where?

In life I've learned to always looked down on myself, belittle myself because I think that's the only way I can improve myself to be better. Apart from that, I feel that it is hard to make friends here unless I share a common interest with them, we can really hit it off. Sometimes, my best intentions might be taken rather wrongly, but who's to say when the only person who knows you best is yourself. My mom used to tell me "No matter how bad things turn out to be, always be good to others." Sometimes, I even get this surprised and pitiful looks people gave me whenever I mentioned that I’m just a housewife. It’s not wrong to be one, is it? I even cried thinking that maybe my life has ended but at the same time, I’m glad and grateful that my husband is always there by my side but I don’t know for how long he’s going to be there for me. I might be sharing everything with him right now but who knows if one day I might be cooking for one? After all, nothing lasts forever, right? Sooner or later, I have to face this life on my own and when that time comes, I hope I am ready.


P.S. I'm missing my friends I left in Malaysia. I wish you are here to watch over me. Can you be my stars?

3 comments:

  1. Wow Best laa Akak nye writings!! Terasa macam baca Chicken Soup for souls.! ada aura! :))

    Akak mesti pandai buat lyric lagu jugak i think, do u already have some??

    :DD

    Amir

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  2. Sedih Syed baca post Fatma kali nie.....paling tepat rasa sayu di hati. Betul2.....tapi buat baik berpada-pada; jgn terlebih sgt baik tau kat orang. Nanti orang akan pergunakan kita. Just be good to others will be very much sufficient.

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  3. tim....rs tersentuh bc entry tim ni...pasal kehidupan n how we face it...semoga Allah bagi kekuatan pada kita n pedoman on how to live this life...baik pada kita, belum tentu baik pada Allah kan...

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